Pictures of Mr. T

OK So I have an awesome Husband!

Who gave me a family photo shoot with a 

professional photographer for Christmas pictures!

The Shoot was super fun and a brand new experience for me, 

because we walked away and now we wait.  

SOOOOO odd for me, to wait to have a picture ready, 

not to be the one fixing and choosing and 

staring at the computer for hours.  

Shane says that this is why I had the urge to take a 

bunch of pictures myself of Mr.T.

I'm going to post many more of these on 

my photography blog here.  

Mostly because this space I want to use to talk about 

something else, connected with this.

Since Mr.T was born I have been experiencing a bit of anxiety,

mostly because I am so in love with this little boy!!

I just love to hold and cuddle and kiss 

and snuggle this precious little boy, 

and It has been that way from the get go. 

My anxiety comes from lack of memory, 

especially surrounding Ms. E I don't have a lot of memories 

of loving this fun little girl when she was super little.  

I don't remember marveling at her presence or feeling like 

I was so blessed to have her.  

That is not to say that I didn't appreciate this perfect little girl.  

My anxiety comes because I have no memory of it.  

I am not sure if it is pregnancy brain, or just blocking out

sections to make room for all the new memories!

 

 

This last week I took solace from a talk I listened to by Julie B. Beck 

when she was the general president of the Relief Society.

She talked about the blessing that comes to some mothers 

that should not be ignored.  That some women are born to be mothers 

and it is the highlight of their life to have little children and babies all 

around them that need them and are completely dependent upon them.  

There are an equal number of women who need time and experience 

to grow into being a mother.  for them being a mother is the hardest 

experience of their life.  harder than any career path that they could 

have taken. I think this is the category that I fit in to.  I definitely feel 

like being a mom challenges me every moment of every day 

(that the children are awake).  I don't always feel like I'm doing my 

best and winning blue ribbons every day.  

The point I think is that I am TRYING!!  

 

I do love this little boy, and more than anything else right now maybe 

I'm taking solace in the fact that whatever this new land of little boys 

brings my way, I have the help of a loving heavenly father who knows 

how grateful I am for this little boy and how badly and deeply I desire 

to be a strong loving mother.  I know I can not do this without a loving 

and forgiving father in heaven who helps me move past my mistakes 

and do better every day.

That is also one of my favorite blessings I have been given - that at the 

end of each night I can have the knowledge that tomorrow starts new, 

new chances to do better, to be more loving, more kind, take more time, 

and listen a bit closer to my babies (and my husband too).  All this while 

the dishes pile up by the sink and the kitchen floor gets crummier and crummier!!

In the end I am still a mom who is simply trying to do my best!!

Remembering to be real!

If there is anything I have encountered in the
last couple of weeks that has been almost overpowering
it is the incredible opportunities I have had to
just be real with people - and not in a bad way!

I have a new calling, playing the piano in relief society.
Which is becoming less and less stressful but
the first week was SUPER stressful
(Which I completely blamed on an unsuspecting partner in responsibility -
when in reality it was all my own doing!)

As I talked to her the first Sunday as she handed me the list for the month -
I said the words "It's OK - everyone's life is a little crazy at the best of times."
I listened to a little stern voice in my head tell me "YOU BETTER MEAN IT".
I promptly realized for years I had been saying those words
but without meaning them (and harboring sad or angry feelings)
thinking it made me a better person.
(um so not true)

When I got home (and de-stressed from the first week of my calling)
I realized that I truly did mean it, as I had listened to her story
I had completely forgiven her.

Later During a conversation with one of my favorite people
(who happens to be my visiting teacher)
while bundling hordes of children after church
I realized that she had very little
to do with the stress I was feeling!!

Our conversation ended with an Aha moment for me
where I realized that not only was i in control of the stress
which I was inflicting upon myself
and that I in reality had no reason to complain because
in the end I had got exactly what i needed -
not in the way i imagined but i had received everything I needed!!

This experience being real also let me to Ms E's birthday (pictures to come)
Where the family came and played for the afternoon
after church the next week!!

Being real should not be hard with your own family (you would think)
but sometimes it's easier to simply let things go!

This party was one of those times where I just let things go -
the smelly garbage I had asked Shane to take out
that still was sitting in a corner (and still is) -
the un-vaccumed front room floors -
the slightly spotted laminate in the kitchen and
the pile of dishes waiting to be washed by the sink.
I let it all go and I did just what I wanted for a change and I had a fabulous time.
Delegating and actually sitting down to visit with my mother and my sisters.
I actually found I was more myself when I wasn't sooo worried about
what was coming up and trying to make room for the next thing -

I just relaxed and helped Ms. E open gifts and eat pink and white cupcakes!!
(lovingly prepared by grandma Cathy with Ms.A's help).
It was nice to just be me and not the hostess - just me with my family
thinking about only today and this moment and that is all!
Not about the Christmas plans or the groceries in the morning
or the relief society email i am responsible for!!
living in the small wonderful moments that the lord has blessed me with!

This all culminated in this morning
while browsing through pintrest i read this

"remember you are not managing an inconvenience
you are raising a human being"

Even reading this now brings me to tears - thinking of the days
You know the ones -
when i am so worn out and can't handle my two year old any longer -
and the days when Ms e sits in her highchair screaming to get down
while i finish mopping the floors because I just didn't finish while she was napping.
The yelling and the tears from me.
The moments when I am flushed with guilt as Ms. A runs up to me saying
"no, please no yelling, take a deep breath instead and
tell me what is wrong, and give me a kiss - That will make it better!"
seriously how much guilt can a mother take from her 2 year old!!
(yes that is a direct quote my two year old speaks in complete
sometimes aggravating sentences).

I will never be perfect at this job (being a mom)
although I like to think that some day's I'm better at this
than most of my other jobs i have ever had!!
(that is guilt for another day)

I have a running joke with Shane that the first birthday of our kids
is really celebrating that they didn't die due to
parental or environmental circumstances
- it sometimes amazes me that i have sustained these two little lives
for so long without any major repercussions -
no accidents, broken bones or social workers called.

with ms. E just turning one and Ms. A will be turning three in a few months
neither is seen in any way an inconvenience
just an added blessing to give love to - because there is always more -
Love is not measured on a scarcity scale where when it is gone it is gone -
there is always more!!

All this to say that keeping life and my interactions real has been
a blessing in the last few weeks and has strengthened me.

It has also given me an opportunity to see myself as a
different person from who I was in the past -
and that I am slowly (oh so slowly some days)
becoming who I want to be!

Me!

But a more forgiving, more truthful, and more grateful me!!

Real Family

So Posting pictures of my little family in my last post

and talking about being real reminded me of a concept
THE ONE PICTURE!

YOU KNOW - the perfect picture where everyone is sitting still!!
The one that looks something like this.


With my family well that just doesn't happen
but I do have a Problem - I AM DESPERATE to print this one
Super Large and hang it in my front room!!


This is my real family
this is how we are and how crazy life is right now!!

I admit that I hesitate due to cultural norms
and trendy photography styles right now!!

But This photo speaks of all the things that happened that day
how tired i was running back and forth (using a timer),
how happy the girls were,
and how glad Shane was to have time off.

That is the family I want to remember!!