If there is anything I have encountered in the
last couple of weeks that has been almost overpowering
it is the incredible opportunities I have had to
just be real with people - and not in a bad way!
I have a new calling, playing the piano in relief society.
Which is becoming less and less stressful but
the first week was SUPER stressful
(Which I completely blamed on an unsuspecting partner in responsibility -
when in reality it was all my own doing!)
As I talked to her the first Sunday as she handed me the list for the month -
I said the words "It's OK - everyone's life is a little crazy at the best of times."
I listened to a little stern voice in my head tell me "YOU BETTER MEAN IT".
I promptly realized for years I had been saying those words
but without meaning them (and harboring sad or angry feelings)
thinking it made me a better person.
(um so not true)
When I got home (and de-stressed from the first week of my calling)
I realized that I truly did mean it, as I had listened to her story
I had completely forgiven her.
Later During a conversation with one of my favorite people
(who happens to be my visiting teacher)
while bundling hordes of children after church
I realized that she had very little
to do with the stress I was feeling!!
Our conversation ended with an Aha moment for me
where I realized that not only was i in control of the stress
which I was inflicting upon myself
and that I in reality had no reason to complain because
in the end I had got exactly what i needed -
not in the way i imagined but i had received everything I needed!!
This experience being real also let me to Ms E's birthday (pictures to come)
Where the family came and played for the afternoon
after church the next week!!
Being real should not be hard with your own family (you would think)
but sometimes it's easier to simply let things go!
This party was one of those times where I just let things go -
the smelly garbage I had asked Shane to take out
that still was sitting in a corner (and still is) -
the un-vaccumed front room floors -
the slightly spotted laminate in the kitchen and
the pile of dishes waiting to be washed by the sink.
I let it all go and I did just what I wanted for a change and I had a fabulous time.
Delegating and actually sitting down to visit with my mother and my sisters.
I actually found I was more myself when I wasn't sooo worried about
what was coming up and trying to make room for the next thing -
I just relaxed and helped Ms. E open gifts and eat pink and white cupcakes!!
(lovingly prepared by grandma Cathy with Ms.A's help).
It was nice to just be me and not the hostess - just me with my family
thinking about only today and this moment and that is all!
Not about the Christmas plans or the groceries in the morning
or the relief society email i am responsible for!!
living in the small wonderful moments that the lord has blessed me with!
This all culminated in this morning
while browsing through pintrest i read this
"remember you are not managing an inconvenience
you are raising a human being"
Even reading this now brings me to tears - thinking of the days
You know the ones -
when i am so worn out and can't handle my two year old any longer -
and the days when Ms e sits in her highchair screaming to get down
while i finish mopping the floors because I just didn't finish while she was napping.
The yelling and the tears from me.
The moments when I am flushed with guilt as Ms. A runs up to me saying
"no, please no yelling, take a deep breath instead and
tell me what is wrong, and give me a kiss - That will make it better!"
seriously how much guilt can a mother take from her 2 year old!!
(yes that is a direct quote my two year old speaks in complete
sometimes aggravating sentences).
I will never be perfect at this job (being a mom)
although I like to think that some day's I'm better at this
than most of my other jobs i have ever had!!
(that is guilt for another day)
I have a running joke with Shane that the first birthday of our kids
is really celebrating that they didn't die due to
parental or environmental circumstances
- it sometimes amazes me that i have sustained these two little lives
for so long without any major repercussions -
no accidents, broken bones or social workers called.
with ms. E just turning one and Ms. A will be turning three in a few months
neither is seen in any way an inconvenience
just an added blessing to give love to - because there is always more -
Love is not measured on a scarcity scale where when it is gone it is gone -
there is always more!!
All this to say that keeping life and my interactions real has been
a blessing in the last few weeks and has strengthened me.
It has also given me an opportunity to see myself as a
different person from who I was in the past -
and that I am slowly (oh so slowly some days)
becoming who I want to be!
Me!
But a more forgiving, more truthful, and more grateful me!!
last couple of weeks that has been almost overpowering
it is the incredible opportunities I have had to
just be real with people - and not in a bad way!
I have a new calling, playing the piano in relief society.
Which is becoming less and less stressful but
the first week was SUPER stressful
(Which I completely blamed on an unsuspecting partner in responsibility -
when in reality it was all my own doing!)
As I talked to her the first Sunday as she handed me the list for the month -
I said the words "It's OK - everyone's life is a little crazy at the best of times."
I listened to a little stern voice in my head tell me "YOU BETTER MEAN IT".
I promptly realized for years I had been saying those words
but without meaning them (and harboring sad or angry feelings)
thinking it made me a better person.
(um so not true)
When I got home (and de-stressed from the first week of my calling)
I realized that I truly did mean it, as I had listened to her story
I had completely forgiven her.
Later During a conversation with one of my favorite people
(who happens to be my visiting teacher)
while bundling hordes of children after church
I realized that she had very little
to do with the stress I was feeling!!
Our conversation ended with an Aha moment for me
where I realized that not only was i in control of the stress
which I was inflicting upon myself
and that I in reality had no reason to complain because
in the end I had got exactly what i needed -
not in the way i imagined but i had received everything I needed!!
This experience being real also let me to Ms E's birthday (pictures to come)
Where the family came and played for the afternoon
after church the next week!!
Being real should not be hard with your own family (you would think)
but sometimes it's easier to simply let things go!
This party was one of those times where I just let things go -
the smelly garbage I had asked Shane to take out
that still was sitting in a corner (and still is) -
the un-vaccumed front room floors -
the slightly spotted laminate in the kitchen and
the pile of dishes waiting to be washed by the sink.
I let it all go and I did just what I wanted for a change and I had a fabulous time.
Delegating and actually sitting down to visit with my mother and my sisters.
I actually found I was more myself when I wasn't sooo worried about
what was coming up and trying to make room for the next thing -
I just relaxed and helped Ms. E open gifts and eat pink and white cupcakes!!
(lovingly prepared by grandma Cathy with Ms.A's help).
It was nice to just be me and not the hostess - just me with my family
thinking about only today and this moment and that is all!
Not about the Christmas plans or the groceries in the morning
or the relief society email i am responsible for!!
living in the small wonderful moments that the lord has blessed me with!
This all culminated in this morning
while browsing through pintrest i read this
"remember you are not managing an inconvenience
you are raising a human being"
Even reading this now brings me to tears - thinking of the days
You know the ones -
when i am so worn out and can't handle my two year old any longer -
and the days when Ms e sits in her highchair screaming to get down
while i finish mopping the floors because I just didn't finish while she was napping.
The yelling and the tears from me.
The moments when I am flushed with guilt as Ms. A runs up to me saying
"no, please no yelling, take a deep breath instead and
tell me what is wrong, and give me a kiss - That will make it better!"
seriously how much guilt can a mother take from her 2 year old!!
(yes that is a direct quote my two year old speaks in complete
sometimes aggravating sentences).
I will never be perfect at this job (being a mom)
although I like to think that some day's I'm better at this
than most of my other jobs i have ever had!!
(that is guilt for another day)
I have a running joke with Shane that the first birthday of our kids
is really celebrating that they didn't die due to
parental or environmental circumstances
- it sometimes amazes me that i have sustained these two little lives
for so long without any major repercussions -
no accidents, broken bones or social workers called.
with ms. E just turning one and Ms. A will be turning three in a few months
neither is seen in any way an inconvenience
just an added blessing to give love to - because there is always more -
Love is not measured on a scarcity scale where when it is gone it is gone -
there is always more!!
All this to say that keeping life and my interactions real has been
a blessing in the last few weeks and has strengthened me.
It has also given me an opportunity to see myself as a
different person from who I was in the past -
and that I am slowly (oh so slowly some days)
becoming who I want to be!
Me!
But a more forgiving, more truthful, and more grateful me!!
