Being a Mom - a rant - with a happy ending!!

Something that I find running through my head a lot when I struggle a little with the girls
(for whatever reason).

Even though I am a Mom I am still a human!

Which means that i still have needs that somehow should be met
(who knows how!)

This also means that it still hurts when someone repeatedly hits me,
screams in my face, throws things at me, calls me names,
is rude to me, or refuses my comfort.

Even when that person is my 2year old or even my 1 year old

I am a human and I have feelings and I am allowed to be sensitive to them.
That doesn't mean i am allowed to retaliate harshly - after all I am an adult -
but it does mean that i am allowed to help my children understand that
I AM A PERSON!!

So now I am wondering when it became selfish to want to sleep at night
(so I can be a better mom in the daytime),
read my scriptures for a 1/2 hour in silence
(not 3am silence),
and not allow my children to scream at me to express their anger/hurt?

That question being asked I have been encountering a huge force of thought
(some even from myself) that as a mother -
the best solution is simply to give more of myself to my children.

But at the same time this seems fundamentally backwards -
That if i simply ignore my own needs just a little bit more
and focus more on my childrens needs
then somehow my needs just will cease to exist?
They will simply dissolve due to lack of attention?

So now Let me Explain a few things!!

I Gave birth to two lovely children who I adore
I do not believe that I love them any less because
they sleep by themselves (sometimes after lots of bawling by all of us),
or because they have early bedtimes - to save my sanity.
Or because I have expectations that they should not
hit, maul, or yell at their mother no matter what toy has been taken away
or what show has been turned off or what treat they are
struggling to share with each other.

I am a MOTHER!! I am Still A PERSON!!

I believe that most parents understand that Every Child Is Different!! Mine sure are!!

What I think is missing is also the concept that,

EVERY MOTHER IS DIFFERENT!!

Not every MOTHER can mentally handle sitting down every twenty minutes
to nurse a child for five minutes who is a very distracted eater.
Not every mother can rock her child for an hour to sleep every 3 hours
throughout the night for an entire year
and just see the joy of holding their little one!

I also do not believe that some of these things could
be overcome with just a little perseverance!

As I was composing this rant a thought came to mind that
I had just heard a very important talk concerning comparison.

Now the question who and where had I Listened?
(oh and how well?)

In October i was able to leave my girls at home and attend the
General Relief Society Broadcast of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,
with my mother in law and sister in law.
There was a particular talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
That most who heard will remember as the Forget Me Not talk.

Surprisingly it has little to do with comparison and more to do with
forgiveness, love and service!!
But here is where comparison comes in to play!!

As I re-read the talk I was struck by two specific sections
which leads me to my happy ending!!

#1. Time to wipe away the tears and begin erasing the guilt
caused by the constant comparison that sometimes
motherhood breeds in us all!!

He states - "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses . . . . .

Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself."

#2 Time to remember that even if the voice of popular thought throughout
the whole world seems to not understand or appreciate
why you choose to mother the way you do
and why you expect so much of your children,
Our Loving Heavenly Father Does!!

"You are not forgotten.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow."

If You want to read the whole talk you can find it here:

Forget Me Not - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

And So now I End on this Happy note!!
I know this to be So Completely True!!
(but that doesn't mean I don't need to remind myself)
We are children of a Loving God who has an infinite love and
an abundance of patience for our small and sometimes
insignificant looking attempts to follow our savior.
I know he does not miss a thing and is truly mindful
of the things we need in our lives,
as he has shown me often how mindful he is of mine!

Ms. E's Birthday Party

As I alluded to in yesterdays post I found Ms. E's party

to be quite relaxing and down right fun! Especially the Hot Chocolate!!
We didn't do much besides hot chocolate, presents and cupcakes!!
So most of the Pictures are pretty self explanatory! Enjoy!!
When everyone arrived I was surprised to find that
Ms E was still napping so Ms A got some undevided attention,
LUCKY GIRL!!


She was begging for balloons and man was I glad we only gave her ONE!!


We started the hot chocolate while we waited and
it was wonderful on our blustery November Sunday!!

Once we had settled in to that we let the gifts begin
I am very pleased with these picutres
AS I DID NOT TAKE THEM
Shane did (even though I had to hound him)!!


She was Loaded with presents!!
Books, Swimming Elmo, Soft Blocks, Jingly Balls and a New Coat!
What a Lucky Girl!!

Now on to the CUPCAKES!!



Ms. A even slowed down long enough to
take picutres with Uncle J.
Who was so good to keep her entertained for soooo long
when things just weren't all about her!!

We Have Such a Wonderful Family!

Remembering to be real!

If there is anything I have encountered in the
last couple of weeks that has been almost overpowering
it is the incredible opportunities I have had to
just be real with people - and not in a bad way!

I have a new calling, playing the piano in relief society.
Which is becoming less and less stressful but
the first week was SUPER stressful
(Which I completely blamed on an unsuspecting partner in responsibility -
when in reality it was all my own doing!)

As I talked to her the first Sunday as she handed me the list for the month -
I said the words "It's OK - everyone's life is a little crazy at the best of times."
I listened to a little stern voice in my head tell me "YOU BETTER MEAN IT".
I promptly realized for years I had been saying those words
but without meaning them (and harboring sad or angry feelings)
thinking it made me a better person.
(um so not true)

When I got home (and de-stressed from the first week of my calling)
I realized that I truly did mean it, as I had listened to her story
I had completely forgiven her.

Later During a conversation with one of my favorite people
(who happens to be my visiting teacher)
while bundling hordes of children after church
I realized that she had very little
to do with the stress I was feeling!!

Our conversation ended with an Aha moment for me
where I realized that not only was i in control of the stress
which I was inflicting upon myself
and that I in reality had no reason to complain because
in the end I had got exactly what i needed -
not in the way i imagined but i had received everything I needed!!

This experience being real also let me to Ms E's birthday (pictures to come)
Where the family came and played for the afternoon
after church the next week!!

Being real should not be hard with your own family (you would think)
but sometimes it's easier to simply let things go!

This party was one of those times where I just let things go -
the smelly garbage I had asked Shane to take out
that still was sitting in a corner (and still is) -
the un-vaccumed front room floors -
the slightly spotted laminate in the kitchen and
the pile of dishes waiting to be washed by the sink.
I let it all go and I did just what I wanted for a change and I had a fabulous time.
Delegating and actually sitting down to visit with my mother and my sisters.
I actually found I was more myself when I wasn't sooo worried about
what was coming up and trying to make room for the next thing -

I just relaxed and helped Ms. E open gifts and eat pink and white cupcakes!!
(lovingly prepared by grandma Cathy with Ms.A's help).
It was nice to just be me and not the hostess - just me with my family
thinking about only today and this moment and that is all!
Not about the Christmas plans or the groceries in the morning
or the relief society email i am responsible for!!
living in the small wonderful moments that the lord has blessed me with!

This all culminated in this morning
while browsing through pintrest i read this

"remember you are not managing an inconvenience
you are raising a human being"

Even reading this now brings me to tears - thinking of the days
You know the ones -
when i am so worn out and can't handle my two year old any longer -
and the days when Ms e sits in her highchair screaming to get down
while i finish mopping the floors because I just didn't finish while she was napping.
The yelling and the tears from me.
The moments when I am flushed with guilt as Ms. A runs up to me saying
"no, please no yelling, take a deep breath instead and
tell me what is wrong, and give me a kiss - That will make it better!"
seriously how much guilt can a mother take from her 2 year old!!
(yes that is a direct quote my two year old speaks in complete
sometimes aggravating sentences).

I will never be perfect at this job (being a mom)
although I like to think that some day's I'm better at this
than most of my other jobs i have ever had!!
(that is guilt for another day)

I have a running joke with Shane that the first birthday of our kids
is really celebrating that they didn't die due to
parental or environmental circumstances
- it sometimes amazes me that i have sustained these two little lives
for so long without any major repercussions -
no accidents, broken bones or social workers called.

with ms. E just turning one and Ms. A will be turning three in a few months
neither is seen in any way an inconvenience
just an added blessing to give love to - because there is always more -
Love is not measured on a scarcity scale where when it is gone it is gone -
there is always more!!

All this to say that keeping life and my interactions real has been
a blessing in the last few weeks and has strengthened me.

It has also given me an opportunity to see myself as a
different person from who I was in the past -
and that I am slowly (oh so slowly some days)
becoming who I want to be!

Me!

But a more forgiving, more truthful, and more grateful me!!